, , , , , , ,

My biggest secret is a couple of months after my mother’s death I was hospitalized for a supposed suicide attempt. It wasn’t really, I wouldn’t do that. As you can imagine, my mother’s death was pretty much devastating. It is and probably will always be the most traumatic thing I’ve had to go through. I thought the only solution was to block out the pain. Instead of going to school, I’d cut classes hanging out with the school drunks, pothead and pill poppers. I like drinking but sometimes it made me more emotional, and weed made me think too much. But the pills I liked. I knew kids that could get pretty much anything, mostly I took an assortment of painkillers or Xanax, anything that left me feeling sedated and numb. Combined with a couple of drinks, it worked quite well.

That was until one night hanging out with some older guys I drank about half a bottle of whiskey. When I got home I was alone and upset. My brother had his own place and my father was always out. He was too caught up in his own issues. I must have lost track of what I drank or what pills I took. By some miracle my brother had come over to check on me. I was passed out and he couldn’t wake me up. When he found my stash of pills he freaked and took me to the hospital. I had to stay there for almost two weeks. My brother finally convinced them to release me on the condition I’d continue with grief counseling. I guess it was a little bit of a wake up call for my father, he stopped going out and spent every night at home with me. It was torture, between him and my brother I could barely take a shit alone. Seriously if I was in the bathroom more than two minutes they’d knock on the door to check on me.

But my father’s attention wore thin after about a month. First he just went out on weekends and only if my brother came over. Slowly it progressed back to every night. And my brother’s visits became fewer and farther between. It wasn’t really necessary, I was never touching another pill again. I even started going back to classes and waited for weekend nights to do my drinking.