Mother’s Day Without a Mother

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The first couple of years after my mother died were pretty rough for me. The worst of course being when Mother’s Day rolled around. It had been a day we usually spent together, just the two of us. Not that my brother and father didn’t do anything for her. We all did the obligatory breakfast, my father doing most of the cooking, the kids helping. (More like getting in the way and making a mess.) Once that was done and gifts were open, it was up to my mother how to spend the rest of the day. The one thing she always wanted to do every year was go to the nail salon and get a pedicure and manicure. She never went any other time, she really thought it was a waste of time and money. But it was the special treat she enjoyed every year for Mother’s day. While many mothers would have gone alone, making sure to take full advantage of a day of freedom, my mother always brought me along. Usually we’d also go for a long walk when it was nice, have lunch, go shopping, or whatever else she felt like doing.

So those first couple of Mother’s days without her were about the hardest thing I had to go through. It was harder than the funeral and every other holiday combined. The first couple of years I pretty much locked myself in the house and tried to avoid anything that would remotely remind me of the day. Eventually though I learned to get over it, well not quite get over it more like deal with it. It’s not like I can avoid being reminded it’s coming up, because every advertisement and commercial wont’ let you. But I try not to think about it and usually am not aware of the day it actually falls on. Some people ask me if I do something special, “you know like to honor her memory or to keep her memory alive.” My response is usually pretty shitty. She’s my mother I remember her everyday of my life. Not like I’m going to forget her because I don’t do something to remind myself of how much it sucks that she’s gone one day a year.

 

 

 

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I’ll Never Tell: My Gay Love Affair

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In Junior High school I wasn’t exactly well liked. In fact pretty much nobody talked to me. I didn’t mind it suited me just fine. Except that I had a huge crush on one of the most popular guys in school. the fact that he had absolutely no idea who I was didn’t help. Well that is until one day we ran into each other outside of school. Well technically I didn’t so much as run into him but happen to notice him in the same park as I was. It was late at night and me and some friends had parked ourselves in the school yard of a local elementary school late at night. I spotted him in a dark corner. I wondered at first what the hell he would be doing in the school yard by himself, much less hiding in a dark corner. As I watched he was then joined by another guy, a older guy who was kind of skeezy looking. It didn’t take long to figure out why they were there. I left not really wanting to see anymore than I already did.

A couple days later we were both being held near the side entrance of the school for being late. Not really caring what his preference was I decided to blackmail him into being my boyfriend. I told him about seeing him hanging out at the school yard with his older “friend.” He reacted exactly how I expected, asking me not to tell anybody. He was scared of being made fun of, plus he kind of a big deal on some of the school sports teams. He couldn’t imagine what it would do for his reputation with the guys on the team. Of course I told him I’d keep his secret, even give him a cover by pretenting to be his girlfriend. Obviously it shocked most people since they thought I wasn’t worthy of his attention. But ultimately they all end kissing my ass. Funny thing was I actually hated that part. I didn’t care that he was gay. I milked it just to be able to makeout with him and shit. Honestly I think a part of me thought I might be able to even convince him to change his mind. I eventually got tired of dealing with his popular group of friends and ended it. Not too long after, sometime during high school, he came out. I’ve always claimed to have no idea.

Social Media Sucks

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I’m totally over social media and the idiots that have overrun it and let it run their lives. I don’t have a Facebook account, not anymore at least. I will admit for a long time I was totally on the bandwagon. In fact I loved MySpace when it first came out and continued to love it even as everybody seemed to abandon it. I tried holding on for as long as possible but when it began to freeze my computer every time I tried logging in, I had to give it up. I guess the thing was I’ve always been pretty big on meeting people online. Before social media I loved visiting chatrooms and used a variety of IM services. The difference was though everything was always superficial and fun. It was an easy way to have casual conversations about dumb teenage stuff, music, school sucking, parents not understanding, etc. It was also a way to escape the real world and the real world people that were the source of my social aggravation. (Is that a thing? Well sounds good so I’ll stick with it.)

Now it’s just gotten so serious and is so part of everybody’s lives the fun got sucked out of it. When I started getting friend requests from family members it was time to quit. Besides I couldn’t care less about the things people post and a lot of my “friends” weren’t really friends. I don’t want to know them any better. I want to hang out, have a couple of drinks, talk and maybe argue about dumb shit, have some laughs and that’s it. I don’t want to know what their opinion on the president is, or see pictures of their kids or cats. I don’t care about shelter animals that need to be adopted, little kids dying of cancer that need prayers, or the latest petition to ban bestiality in another country (yes that was totally a real thing). I don’t care if somebody is having a shitty day, week or month; unless they are buying me a drink while complaining.

I can’t deny its usefulness, I’ve actually gotten work as a designer through social networking. More so in the early days but I do still have some accounts where I post work. But I repeat it’s not actually fun, it’s in fact all for work. And to be honest as more of the idiots take over, it feels like it’s less and less worth the effort. I’m just glad on Twitter and Instagram I can mostly avoid anybody I know in real life. If they do happen to find me and follow my account it still doesn’t really involve much interaction. As far as Facebook goes though,  I been done with that, no matter how many people look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them.

 

 

 

I’ll Never Tell: Secret Piercings

At 17 I met this guy, James, at the park by my high school. I had been hanging out playing handball with friends from classes that we were skipping. He was a bit older, don’t remember exactly how much but he was close to 30 years old. He didn’t look it though, he was actually incredibly hot.Eventually I found out he was a mutt, Italian and Brazilian, damn those Brazilian genes make some some gorgeous motherfuckers.  Honestly at first I really didn’t think he would even be interested in me but surprisingly he ask for my number Even more amazing he actually called me. Figured he wouldn’t, the hot ones never do, especially when they know they are hot and he totally did. We actually ended up hooking up a couple of times.

Once we started hanging out for a while I found out he worked in the village doing piercings in one of those bullshit little shops. At some point he convinced me, I’m not sure how probably with lots of alcohol, to let him pierce my nipples. It was literally the most painful thing I ever experienced. He was only able to do one, I refused to do the other. Worse part was it didn’t even take. Apparently my body rejected it, didn’t know that was thing that could happen. I knew it looked like it was healing weirdly. Then one day I was in the shower and it literally just fell off my body. Never again.

Not So Sweet Sixteen

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I never really understood the whole point of a sweet sixteen. It’s like celebrating a milestone that’s not really a milestone. But some people just blindly follow traditions for the sake of following tradition. For some reason my mother one of those people, and was even kind of obsessed with it. She started talking about it and planning mine before I was even ten years old. She wanted it to be a huge affair, with choreographed dances, performers and god knows what else. She would have totally loved that show, “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” God knows she probably would have tried to copy some of the ideas. Which is totally ridiculous because we had no money, but I’m sure she would have found a way.

Unfortunately,  she never got the chance, I was fourteen when she died. I tried telling her once that I wasn’t really that into it. She laughed and said I’d change my mind. I didn’t bring it up again because I’d do it anyway just to make her happy. It’s kind of sick, when that birthday did come around I was slightly relieved. It always made me feel guilty. I didn’t understand how I could miss her so much yet still feel like a burden was lifted. I still don’t really understand it.

I had to remind my father that it was even my birthday. Instead of a big party I just hung our with a few friends and got shitfaced. I’m pretty sure a few didn’t even realize it was my birthday. (I had great friends then.) While I’ve wondered what it would have been like I’ve never really felt like I missed out on anything.

 

 

 

I’ll never tell

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I’m a pretty open person, what you see is what you get. At the same time there are things about me I would never tell anybody. Even the few people I consider friends I don’t normally confide in. There are just things I’d rather take to the grave. Some are stupid little things I’d rather just not admit, others are I guess a bit more serious. For now I’ll stick to the lighter subjects. Here are just a few examples.

  • I’m afraid of butterflies. I know it sounds silly. It is really dumb and I’ve learned how to not totally freak out  when I see one. But I always get paranoid one will fly into my eye and blind me. When I was a kid one flew right into my face. It came within inches of my eye. I tried to move out of the way but unable to anticipate it’s movements I went towards it instead of away.
  • I went to go see The Notebook and it made me cry. I’m don’t usually do romance movies, I only went because I got free tickets. I usually avoid any of the obvious tearjerkers, it’s about the only time I get emotional.
  • I got caught stealing from the corner store when I was ten. When I was in elementary school I used to go to the same store everyday after school. I assumed the grown men staring at me with perverted smiles wouldn’t notice. I would slip, I thought slyly, candy up the sleeve of my jacket. One day, the owner watched me carefully and grabbed at my arm and started yelling at me. I kicked him in the crotch and ran out. Never went back after that day.

There are plenty more, more serious, but I’ll share those eventually.

Trouble in Paradise

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Been staying with Jeff for quite a while now. It’s a little bit of a weird situation. I’ve had people accuse me of taking advantage of him. His parents own the apartment building and pay his utilities. So yeah I live there rent free. In my opinion if I gave him anything he’d be taking advantage of me. Besides technically I don’t really think of it as actually living there. I’m hardly ever there, shit sometimes I don’t even sleep there. I have a very active social life and it keeps me out a lot.

Anyway for the most part it works pretty well. But there is one thing that makes me crazy and might drive me out. Jeff is a complete and utter slob. I’ve always been kind of a neat freak. Even before I was staying with him I’d have to clean up when I came over to hang out. I wont say he’s dirty, though I’ve never seen him clean. But it’s just he literally leaves anything anywhere. It’s starting to drive me crazy, I’ve actually be avoiding being in the apartment lately. I lost it the other day. I had spent almost an entire day cleaning. I even organized all the kitchen cabinets. By the next day, he had clothes all over the place. I mean I found a sock in kitchen. I don’t even understand how that happens.

To top it off my beautifully organized cabinets where a mess. Like he just opened the cabinet, knocked everything over, then closed it. A can of beans almost fell on my head. Needless to say I lost my mind and blew up at him. He told me if I didn’t like it I could always leave. I didn’t bother arguing with him, it felt ridiculous. We were seriously arguing like a couple. It freaked me out and I just ended up going out. Funny thing is he called later apologizing. I didn’t answer so he left a pathetic sounding message, saying he didn’t mean what he said. He was basically groveling and begging me to come back. Not exactly sure what to make of it. I guess the whole situation is a little weird.

 

Glow In The Dark Weapons

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There was a period in time during high school where everybody was obsessed with glow-in-the dark stickers. Everybody covered all their books and crap with little glow in the dark letters, stars, animals, random shapes and whatever they could find. It was pretty cool, I remember one girl had a book cover done in all different fish, another had the solar system complete with all the planets, sun, moon and stars. Pretty much anything you could imagine they had, except for what I wanted. I could never find any weapons. So when I found a kit with blank sheets you could make into any shape I was excited as hell. I found pictures of guns, knives, swords and anything else I could think of to trace or draw onto the sheet to make my very own personalized stickers.

It was really cool, everybody liked them. Well everybody meaning all the other students. A couple might thought it was a little scary but that was a plus. But some of my teachers weren’t so happy about it and complained to the principal. Some of them wanted me suspended if I didn’t take them off. Not that I cared, they could of expelled me and I wouldn’t of cared. But the principal felt bad my mother had just passed away, my father had to tell everybody. She talked with me about it and sort of bribed me with help getting a job. I took them off, instead decorating the walls of my room with them. Wonder if the next people living there appreciated them.

Another Bitch To Brush Off

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A while back Jeff started fucking around with a chick from one of the neighborhood bars. She was horrible, a total two faced bitch. Every time I saw her around she was complaining or talking shit about the people she was hanging out with including Jeff. I told him he seemed pathetic, but he didn’t care. Fuck it though, what did I care. I just stayed far away when she was around. She tried saying hello and talking to me a few times but I just ignored her. Then one day she comes up to me while I’m sitting at the bar. As I was talking to a guy I had just met she taps me on the shoulder. “Just wanted to say hi. Who’s your friend.” She squeezes herself between our two stools. “Hi, I’m Eve.”

“Eddie” I turned in the stool making sure to push her aside with my legs. She moved to the other side of him pulling him to face her as she spoke. She positioned herself within inches of his face and did not stop talking. I saw him try to turn but she had trapped him in the seat. I turned back to the bar, finished my drink and waved to the bartender another one. Eventually, I heard him tell her he needed to piss, then run off quickly leaving his drink behind. After a few minutes she sat in his seat and started finishing off his drink. I spotted him on the other side of the bar sitting at a table with a bunch of guys. “You know he’s not coming back.”

“What? You talking to me?”

“Yes. I said he’s not coming back. You deaf?

“I don’t know. I mean no. What are you talking about?”

“The guy you chased away. He ran away and he’s not coming back.”

“You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Go home.”

“Oh yeah. So why’s he hanging out over there now.” I turned and pointed to the other side of the bar. Her eyes followed my finger, widening when she spotted him. “You just couldn’t get out of his face for two seconds.”

“Fuck you.” I laughed. “Bet you wont laugh when I get Jeff to kick your ass out.”

I started laughing harder, she just stared at me looking confused. When she walked away, I text Jeff to come by. She ran to him the minute he stepped into the door. I watched from the bar not moving. He saw me and walked away from her. She stared at me from behind him with her face all twisted

“Hey wassup.”

“So you’re little friend there has got to go.”

“Dude, what? Come on I know you don’t like her but I gotta get laid sometime.”

“First, you could do much better. Stop being lazy. Second, bitch is out of control. She actually told me she’d get you to kick me out.”

He looked at me for a minute before saying anything. “You’re kidding right.”

I didn’t answer him. While we were talking I could see her behind him inching her way closer and closer. I nodded in her direction when she was a few feet behind him. He turned and waved her over. She stood next to him smiling looking straight at me. “So you buying me a drink or what.”

“Nope.” She stepped back and gave him a shocked look.

“Yeah I’ve thought about it and you’re just too much of a…what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Bum. Two faced bitch. Hoe bag.”

“Yeah that’s all about right.” We both started laughing hysterically while she just stared at us.

“You can’t–”

“Shut up bitch. Come on Jeff, let’s get out of here. This place is really going downhill.”

“You’re right nothing but trash here lately.” We walked out of the bar while she stood there in shock.

 

Dante Has Not Died

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It’s been a very long time since you’ve heard from Dante. I just wanted to update the blog and let any readers I haven’t lost know she is still well and alive, if only in my mind for the time being. Actually she can only be since she’s a fictional character. Back to the point, I do plan on continuing the blog and will soon be regularly updating it. Although I think I may have to cut back from weekly updates to every other week.

I also have some news. I’ve opened up an Etsy shop to experiment with selling my writing in different forms. One item you may be particularly interested in. A collection of edited posts from Devilish Dante’s Domain. The book entitled “Dante’s Tall Tales” includes 12 different posts; it’s printed on pastel lilac paper with a black cardstock cover and a hand sewn binding. I also have available poetry postcards and a Drunken Poems packet. Check them out and if your interested for a limited time I’ll be providing free shipping, just use the coupon code DDDFREESHIPPING.

I’ll also be starting a newsletter this coming year. If you’d like to keep updated on my other projects, or just enjoy my writing I hope you’ll sign up for my mailing list. Just click here to sign up.